Recognise Grooming

Recognising Grooming

By raising awareness of Grooming, Sacred Justice aims to help the community identify Groomers to protect children

Grooming

A process by which a person prepares a child, significant adults and the environment for the abuse of a child. Specific goals include gaining access to the child, gaining the child’s compliance and maintaining the child’s secrecy to avoid disclosure⁽¹⁾. This process serves to strengthen the offender’s abusive pattern, as it may be used as a means of justifying or denying their actions⁽¹⁾.

A perpetrator uses several strategies from the ‘Grooming Play Book’: a predictable, repeated pattern of behaviours that facilitate access to and the continued abuse of a child. Perpetrators will use an arsenal of techniques repeatedly over a medium to long term period of time (weeks/months/years).

Trigger Warning: Discusses Child Sexual Abuse

Signs of a Groomer

A Groomer may use a combination of these behaviours. A Groomer:

Is a voyeur
Enjoys filming and photographing children for their own personal collection, in a family or professional setting
Will most likely have inappropriate photographs or videos of children on a computer, phone, hard drive, SD Card or USB
Has inner child wounds/insecure attachment primarily related to their mother⁽²⁾. For example, some perpetrators may have been sexually abused as a child and their mother failed to protect them.
Can be detached, cold and laugh when a child is sad, crying or upset
Can display nasty, cruel and sadistic behaviour
Delivers Oscar winning performances to demonstrate forced ’emotion’ and may even shed tears to demonstrate vulnerability
Targets and infiltrates single female parent families with young children, commonly daughters
Targets passive, quiet, troubled, isolated or lonely children from ‘broken’ homes
Targets children who are non-verbal, minimally verbal and those living with severe/profound intellectual impairment, who cannot report the abuse
May chastise, criticise and humiliate the older sibling to throw them off their protective instincts. The older sibling is so worried about making mistakes and getting into trouble, they don’t realise their younger sibling is being victimised.
Takes calculated risks to groom or abuse children because they enjoy the thrill. Perpetrators enjoy taking risks to see what they can get away with.
Often targets a child who is a sexual abuse survivor because they view them as easy to re-victimise
Studies a child’s primary caregiver/s and wants to know what they know about child sexual abuse and perpetrators
Finds pleasure in fooling people and abusing children right under everyone’s noses
Becomes ‘part of the furniture’ in family life or at a child service provider where the child attends. They seem to always be around. This tactic increases the sense of trust from caregivers, and increases opportunities for voyeuristic behaviour and abuse opportunities.
Disarms children and adults by being silly, funny and childlike
Often has a big, fake smile and laughs a lot because it disarms children and adults
Is often a well liked, charismatic and lovable character
Can present a happy-go-lucky personality socially but in private will switch and be obnoxious, arrogant and selfish (‘Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde’)
Prioritises gaining a parent’s or significant person’s trust. A Groomer invests a lot of energy and time into gaining a caregiver’s trust, often years.
Grooms the whole family, including the dog or cat
Uses ‘gaslighting’ techniques on caregivers and siblings
Loves being adored and worshipped because they have a grandiose view of themselves, their knowledge and expertise
Loves being in a position of authority
Dislikes being questioned, challenged or criticised and when challenged is overly defensive and uses gaslighting techniques as a distraction
Dislikes being wrong and rarely admits it
Loves to be the centre of attention
Can be a primary biological caregiver
Plays the victim and blames others constantly
Often develops an entire career around having access to multiple children; including as a child psychologist, paediatrician, teacher, principal, disability support worker, NDIS Business Owner, church youth worker, child care centre worker, sports coach, school or club volunteer
Can be a parent’s live-in partner because children are 20 times more likely to be victims of child sexual abuse by a parent’s male live in partner than children living with both biological parents⁽³⁾
Knows that children’s verbal disclosures aren’t believed by police, legal and child protection systems in Australia
May experience sexual dysfunction with adult partners⁽⁴⁾
Often has a long term partner. It is important to perpetrators that they appear to live a ‘normal’, unassuming and non-threatening life by being married or defacto within a family unit. If they have children in their immediate life, then they appear non-threatening to the community, so it is easier to access potential child victims.
Can be attracted to adults and children simultaneously
Often convinces a child that they are the only victim, but they rarely are
Can be a female who either operates alone, enables abuse, is an accomplice and/or takes videos or photographs to share. There is a significant increase in female child sexual abusers.
May operate as part of a team (‘ring’). Perpetrators easily recognise each other by the grooming behaviour patterns they share.
Compliments a caregiver on their parenting, repeatedly
Feigns empathy and sincerity, but is just pretending to feel these emotions
Offers to babysit or is conveniently available to babysit; delivers justifiable rationales to be alone with a child or makes it the caregiver’s choice. A perpetrator may tell a caregiver they are doing them a ‘favour’ by babysitting.
Will isolate a caregiver from friends and family. The aim of this approach is to isolate the parent so friends and family cannot critique the perpetrator’s behaviour and the child victim does not have an opportunity to disclose the abuse.
Exhibits controlling behaviour
Can easily over-react, be defensive, aggressive or ‘fly off the handle’, then blame an adult or child for it
Behaves differently when they are alone with children to when they are with adults. Children may report feeling uncomfortable around a Groomer, that they are ‘creepy’ or ‘weird’ or they don’t like them.
Is extremely patient and motivated and will invest months or years grooming adults and children before the abuse takes place
Labels the young child as a ‘liar’ or ‘exaggerator’ to start an early narrative, so the family of the child will not believe them if they disclose abuse
Buys treats, sweets and junk food for the child
Barters cigarettes, alcohol or drugs for sexual favours with children or teens
Comments on children’s bodies
Critiques a child’s body by staring at them or looking at them ‘up and down’
Coerces a child to say to their caregiver that they would like to spend time with the perpetrator
May verbally chastise or physically hit a child victim in front of people
Appears excited and hyperactive (hyperaroused) around children, who are their target gender
Will convince the child that they want or enjoy the abuse
Will ignore a child’s personal space and hug or tickle the child, even though the child doesn’t want to
Commonly uses tickling to have physical contact with a child, but will often continue after the child says ‘Stop!’
Will not accept a Child’s ‘Strong NO’
Won’t stop abusing children because they’re addicted to it and have no self control
Will find a justifiable rationale to sleep with a child in their bed
Can be a womaniser
Does charitable or altruistic work or offers their time for free to help friends or strangers in the community. This is a common attribute of perpetrators in an attempt to throw people off their ‘scent’; appear to be a good, helpful community member; squash potential allegations and to make amends for their abusive behaviour. Perpetrators are excellent at compartmentalising the part of them that abuses and the part of them that is ‘good’. Perpetrators think if they do good deeds it makes up for the abuse they have inflicted on children.
Seems too good to be true: ‘Mr Perfect’ or ‘Ms Perfect’, which is a character created by the perpetrator to abuse children
Prevents the child victim from being alone with strong, female child advocates who are not the primary caregiver
Makes threats about the caregiver/s to the child, so the caregiver/s is no longer a threat. For example, a perpetrator will tell the child that their mother will hate them if they tell ‘their secret’; the family will split up if the child tells; the perpetrator will go to jail and it’ll be the child’s fault.
Explains away physical symptoms like frequent Urinary Tract Infections, genital/anal redness or soreness on an infant, toddler or young child as ‘nappy rash’ or similar
Consistently insists or regularly offers to bathe or change a child’s clothes or nappy
Smears the reputation of their previous partner to their current partner in an attempt to ensure that no communication occurs between them and to discredit any potential warnings
Can be overly affectionate or not affectionate at all to the particular child victim when around people
Finds reasons to film or take photos of the child, particularly if the child is semi- naked, in a swimming costume or in nappies
Gets startled when interrupted, if alone with the child
Quickly changes the subject or uses deflection if a family member discusses concerns about the child’s behavioural and emotional changes, or physical symptoms
Is defensive and shifts blame to someone else when queried about the child’s symptoms, including blaming the child
Can be a child or teenager
Has a circle of family, friends and community members who rationalise and defend the perpetrator’s reputation, despite red flags, including allegations
Starts and fuels smear and slander campaigns against potential threats including strong, female child advocates. Gathers ‘Flying Monkeys’ to defend their reputation and do the slander campaign ground work to continue false narratives about potential threats.

Grooming of Children

The Process of Grooming

Child Sexual Abuse typically follows a gradual progression from non-contact behaviours to contact behaviours⁽²⁾. Offenders often desensitise the child to touch by beginning with non-sexual touching such as tickling or stroking the child’s head⁽²⁾. Conversation may also become more sexual. Alternatively, offenders may confuse victims by continuing to talk to the child about a positive unrelated issue while they begin touching the child sexually⁽²⁾. The child may have no idea that something inappropriate is happening. The aim is to progress to sexual touching, first on top of clothes and later under or without clothes⁽²⁾. The intention is to make the child compliant with the offender’s sexual demands and overcome the child’s resistance. A perpetrator will subtly test the child’s reaction to increasing levels of sexualised talk, materials and touching⁽²⁾.

Once the behaviours or activities advance to the sexual abuse stage, boys, in great measure, experience three or more types of sexual acts⁽²⁾. These are classified by investigators as the most serious forms of abuse. Boys tend to confront more serious sexual abuse than girls⁽²⁾. Children who are abused are more likely to endure subsequent sexual abuse by other perpetrators⁽²⁾.

What Does the Research Say?

Research has shown that offenders who abuse boys showed a preference for interacting at the child’s level, and incest offenders tended to raise the victim’s status to that of an adult⁽¹⁾. While offenders who abused girls were more concerned with sexual gratification, rather than emotional or relational interests⁽¹⁾.

The types of behaviour that constitute grooming the child take two different forms: physical and psychological. Physical grooming involves the gradual sexualisation of the relationship between the offender and the victim. Psychological grooming is used to achieve this increased sexualisation.

At first, the offender may justify the sexual behaviour through providing the child with his/her version of sex education, which states that sex between children and adults is acceptable and that the offender has a responsibility to train the child for later life⁽¹⁾. The abuser builds the child’s trust, makes him or her feel good, and then starts to violate boundaries. This may involve intentionally entering the bedroom while the child is undressed, entering the bathroom while the child is bathing or getting dressed together and exposing himself/herself to the child.

How Does a Groomer Gain Compliance from a Victim?

In addition to using psychological grooming to increase compliance, it is also used to avoid disclosure. Children are groomed to want to be around the adult who is grooming them⁽²⁾. Offenders need to maintain the child’s cooperation and secrecy to achieve this. One way the offender does this is by isolating the child and alienating them from others. Isolating the child creates a barrier which prevents the child from having a confidant in whom to disclose.

Children are Excellent at Keeping Secrets

In addition, the keeping of secrets acts as a source of further isolation. Children are very good at keeping secrets and are even more likely to protect a known and loved adult whom they are loyal to⁽¹⁾. A child will present an illusion of goodness, if not virtue, around the perpetrator, both for them and for others⁽²⁾. In order to survive, the child relies on a number of ego defence mechanisms that allow them to cope with the abuse, whilst simultaneously projecting a mirage of normalcy⁽²⁾.

Emotional Coercion, Threats and Intimidation

Other forms of emotional coercion are for the perpetrator to convince the child to conceal the abuse in order to emotionally protect the caregiver/s from learning about their activities. Perpetrators also subject the child to emotional coercion by referring to them as queer, gay, sissy, whore or slut. This is to manipulate the child into believing that they will be judged harshly if anyone were to find out; “if you tell anyone, they will think you are gay or a slut”.

Perpetrators use plea bargaining, trickery and game playing to ensure the child’s compliance. Female perpetrators tend to use persuasion tactics over threats or force⁽²⁾. Threats and intimidation are the most common methods perpetrators use to initiate and maintain the sexually abusive relationship and the concealment surrounding it. Commonly, something or someone important to the child is threatened, including beloved pets. Threats of physical harm (beatings) to a boy victim are more common than to girls⁽²⁾. Threats against the lives of the child’s parents or grandparents (if the sexual abuse is disclosed), threats of abandonment and rejection (mother will leave, family will separate), and consequences to the perpetrator (will commit suicide or go to jail) are common.

Bribes, Blame and Guilt

Other strategies used by offenders to maintain the child’s compliance include issuing bribes. Bribes may take the form of material gifts or extra privileges. Offenders may also demonstrate their potential for violence through violence towards other family members⁽²⁾. Thereby offenders reinforce the message that they will enact their threats about hurting the child and/or the child’s family.

Offenders frequently make the child feel responsible for the abuse⁽²⁾. They convince the child that they are to blame for letting the abuse happen and that they should have stopped it⁽²⁾. This is reinforced by stereotypes in society, which emphasise that men cannot control their sex drive⁽²⁾. However, this feeling of responsibility and guilt is overshadowed by the self-betrayal the child feels as their body reacts to sexual stimulation against their will, which children may interpret as evidence that they are actually enjoying themselves⁽²⁾. This is internalised and may have an impact on the child’s developing identity⁽²⁾.

Traumatic Sexualisation

Disclosure is avoided because the child feels that it is ‘‘all their fault’’, that he/she is bad and that no one will believe them. Entrapped by secrecy and bounded by helplessness, a child often accommodates the abuse by assuming responsibility for its occurrence and preservation, viewing themselves as the provocateur, the one to be punished⁽²⁾. Victims develop Traumatic Sexualisation which is the impact on a child’s sexual thoughts, feelings and behaviours in a developmentally inappropriate and dysfunctional manner⁽²⁾. In essence, the perpetrator sexualises the child beyond their developmental capacities⁽²⁾.

Disclosure

The sexual abuse of females is significantly more likely to be disclosed and reported while, on the contrary, the sexual abuse of males is significantly more likely to remain concealed, and consequently, under reported⁽²⁾. Younger children tend to disclose accidentally by evocative, developmentally advanced or inappropriate expressions of sexual knowledge and behaviour. Adolescent boys are significantly less likely to disclose under any conditions⁽²⁾.

Purposeful disclosure may be prompted by the child’s anger toward the perpetrator or their attempts to stop the abuse; exposure to a prevention module at school or a television program highlighting child sexual abuse; anticipation of an upcoming meeting with the perpetrator or support and motivation from friends⁽²⁾.

In one study, very few if any cases of boys’ abuse was brought to the attention of social or legal authorities at the time of the abuse, and they were not referred to counselling or therapy of any kind⁽²⁾. Upon disclosure, most boys tend to be not believed by adults and attempts at silencing the boy are made⁽²⁾. Parents who don’t make a report after their child’s disclosure in an attempt to avoid stigmatisation, create harmful effects for the boy in terms of his self-concept and his opportunities to heal from the trauma⁽²⁾.

Powerlessness and Stigmatisation

Powerlessness is the outcome of a process whereby a child’s sense of efficacy and self-determination are steadfastly overruled as their body, person and place are repeatedly trespassed against their will⁽²⁾. In the midst of perpetration and disclosure, a victim confronts threats of injury or annihilation as this form of child abuse exposes them to coercion, bodily invasion and violence⁽²⁾.

Stigmatisation involves the means by which negative reactions, messages and implications associated with the child’s sexually abusive experiences are subsequently incorporated into their self-concept⁽²⁾. For example, blatant messages from the offender about the child being evil, worthless and guilty become part of the child’s identity. Later as adolescents and adults, the shame and guilt can manifest as drug and alcohol misuse, self injurious behaviour and suicidal ideation⁽²⁾.

References

(1) Sexual grooming of children: Review of literature and theoretical considerations by Samantha Craven, Sarah Brown and Elizabeth Gilchrist in Journal of Sexual Aggression (November 2006), Vol. 12, No. 3, pp. 287299.

(2) Sexual Abuse of Males: The SAM Model of Theory and Practice by Josef Spiegel, Psychology Press, 2003.

(3) Child Sexual Abuse Statistics, Darkness to Light, 2015

https://www.d2l.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/all_statistics_20150619.pdf

(4) The Neurobiology and Psychology of Pedophilia: Recent Advances and Challenges by Gilian Tenbergen, Matthias Wittfoth, Helge Frieling, Jorge Ponseti, Martin Walter, Frontier in Human Neurosciences,, Klaus M. Beier, Boris Schiffer, and Tillmann H. C. Kruger, 2015; 9: 344.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4478390/

Recognise Grooming

Recognising Grooming

Grooming

Signs of a Groomer

Grooming of Children

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